The Status
On Day 20 of our #40daysoffaith adventure moving from MD to CO on the word of God, my toddler finally had enough of the weeks and weeks of disrupted schedules, separation from friends, being strapped in a car seat for hours a day, and—more recently—sleep-deprived nights caused by a cold. She completely turned on us and refused to cooperate with anything, ANYTHING, we tried to do. No diaper change, food offering, or invitation to sleep was acceptable. Our instructions were met with intentionally doing the exact opposite, with a smile on her face. She repeatedly tried to hurt us and the cats. She kicked, she screamed, she yelled, she wined. She was searching for our buttons, and she found them!
I was horrified at how mean-spirited my once-adorable baby could be (see my video of what #realparenting meant to me, today). And in that realization, all the ugly bitterness, resentment, and anger I had in my heart towards my toddler came out from where it was hiding into the bright, white light of day.
When the Holy Spirit illuminated the “flesh” within me, my best efforts at gentle parenting became yelling to gain my kid’s compliance; and when yelling didn’t work, it turned to fear tactics. Namely, I reverted to what I would call “angry touch”: swiftly picking my toddler up or putting her down when she didn’t come or go as I said, grabbing her arm hard when she wouldn’t walk with me, gripping her shoulders to get her to look at me when I was talking, snatching up objects from her grip when she wouldn’t give them to me, etc. By the end of the night, the weight of all that had escalated between us hit me like a ton of bricks.
That’s when I began crying—no, sobbing—tears of sorrow and grief. I confessed to God and to my husband that I was hurting her, I asked God for forgiveness and for transformation, I prayed inner healing and deliverance over myself. I spoke about it with my husband so that we could both come to agreement about this issue. Tomorrow, I will ask my daughter for forgiveness, too.
The Takeaway
It may not seem like using “angry touch” on my kid is worthy of all of this repentance, but it is, and here’s why—
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ However, I say to you that everyone who looks upon a woman in order to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
- Matthew 5:27-28 (from the Interlinear)
Basically, this scripture means that if I am already at the place where I am doing “angry touch”, then in my heart, I have already beaten my kid several times today.
😭 😭 😭
That’s not the kind of parent I want to be.
Fortunately, I don’t have to let shame or guilt take over me as I share this very painful realization with the world because God always fulfills the prayers we pray with right motives. Therefore, I can have hope—expectation, even—that God will transform me from the inside out in this area so that I never struggle like I did today, again.
“…God always fulfills the prayers we pray with right motives…”
TenayBenes.com
The Prayer
God, you have heard my cries and received my prayers to break the curse of fear-based parenting off of our family. I am looking to you for guidance. Help us start anew tomorrow, and help my daughter heal from any wounds I have caused her. Amen.
The Challenge
What is your #40daysoffaith adventure and how did Day 20 go? What area of your heart needs God’s healing and deliverance so that you can continue on your path to victory?
One response to “40 Days of Faith – Day 20 | Angry Touch”
[…] My Family Story 40 Days of Faith – Day 19 | My God Story & My Family Story 40 Days of Faith – Day 20 | My God Story & My Family Story 40 Days of Faith – Day 21 | My God Story & My Family Story 40 Days of Faith […]
Related Posts