Last year (oh no—two years ago), I gave birth to our baby and committed in my heart to breastfeed her for as long as I could. I had read all the mommy blogs about how breastmilk is better than formula and concluded that good moms breastfeed while bad moms don’t. Knowing that I would go back to work at some point, I also prepared myself for some intermittent pumping so that my husband and I could share feeding duties and give me a longer leash, as it were. In hindsight, the expectations and value judgments I made set me up for a pretty miserable breastfeeding journey, ahead.

In hindsight, the expectations and value judgments I made set me up for a pretty miserable breastfeeding journey, ahead.

-Tenay Benes
tenaybenes.com

I had a perfect plan, but then reality hit. After my baby woke up from all the c-section anesthesia, she was STARVING, but my body didn’t produce enough colostrum (read: any) to keep her satiated. Her all-night suckling in the hospital led to raw, cracked, bleeding nipples but no colostrum. No colostrum and constant crying meant immediate formula supplementation.

Within her first 24 hours, my baby got on the bottle and I felt like a failure.

Trying for the Ideal

“That’s okay,” I thought. “I can save this situation.” I was so committed to breastfeeding, so I put her to my breast for ten minutes before every formula feed until my milk came in, five long days later. But even when my milk came in, I realized she wasn’t swallowing anything. Two lactation nurses, a pediatric chiropractor, and an ear-nose-and-throat doctor later, I was told that my baby’s muscles are “too tight” to latch properly. There was nothing anyone could do; she would either figure it out on her own or we would bottle feed, period. Well, my baby hated breastfeeding; just approaching my breast made her cry. I think she associated it with pain, discomfort, and hunger. It’s really hard to teach a baby how to breastfeed if she won’t even try to latch onto your breast.

Shifting to Plan B

So, I began pumping with all my might, hoping that my baby would still bond with me somehow, even though she was being fed through a bottle. (I had read that breastfeeding facilitates bonding in a way bottle feeding does not—and that played on all my fears about inadvertently breaking my baby’s heart.) For months, I pumped my little heart out all while fighting worry, fear, and shame about my motherhood:

• “What’s wrong with me that I can’t breastfeed?”
• “Am I a bad mom?”
• “I heard this was going to be a beautiful experience but in reality, it just sucks.”
• “Am I hurting my baby by giving her formula?”
• “Does anybody know how to help me?”

I pumped for an hour, every four to five hours a day; that’s five to six hours of pumping every day. I purchased three breast pumps, two storage systems, three milk saver kits, a pump bag, five pumping bras, and numerous other accessories to make the experience easier on me. I made out-loud declarations about being thankful for being able to pump and for being able to feed my baby from my body while I was pumping. I combined pumping with my favorite activities and foods to try to build positive associations. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the physical nausea that came when I attached that pump to my breast. That nausea told me one simple truth: “I hate this.”

…no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the physical nausea that came when I attached that pump to my breast. That nausea told me one simple truth: “I hate this.”

-Tenay Benest
tenaybenes.com

God’s Surprise

At the end of four long months, I heard the Lord speak to me: “Tenay, it’s time for you to stop pumping.” I was shocked! Did I hear that clearly?? Surely God would want me to breastmilk-feed my baby as along as possible! “But Lord,” I said, “all the mommy blogs say babies can be breastfed up to three years old!” “Yes,” God replied, “if clean, nutrient-rich food is not available to them, then breastfeeding a long time makes a lot of sense.” That took me from a goal of breastfeeding for three years to one year in a moment. (Later, when I checked on the scientific research study that was the basis of this “evidence-based” assertion, I realized it was conducted in…Bangladesh! Hmmm, should this research study be applied to middle-class America??) “But Lord, it’s only been four months. Isn’t breastfeeding for a year best for all babies, no matter the food environment?” “Ideally, yes,” God replied, “but you have other, competing priorities that you need to address. Meanwhile, your baby is healthy and will grow well without more breastmilk.”

God was right on both accounts. First, I hadn’t lost a single pound while pumping because dropping my calories led to dropping breastmilk production. So I remained 20 pounds above the authorized Army limit for the first four months after giving birth. That meant I only had 8 months to shed the weight before I started down the road of being fired from the Army—and I’d never lost weight that quickly before so I was freaked out. Second, my baby had been greatly interested in food by three months old and by four months, was already eating finger-foods by herself. She loved food more than breastmilk or formula, both of which gave her significant gas, leading me to believe that she was sensitive to animal milk altogether.

Big Weaning Mistake

One day shortly after that conversation, I got a blister on my nipple from pumping. I had to switch to hand expression so that the blister could heal but I ended up accidentally cutting my milk supply in half over two days! I thought, “Maybe this unexpected weaning is related to what God was talking about”, so I decided to let it continue until I weaned myself off the pump over three days. That was a HUGE mistake because the rapid change in my hormones made me feel like I got hit with a truck. Apparently, it’s supposed to take three weeks to wean what I weaned in three days. Oops.

Despite that hormone-induced-craziness, I remember the first thought that ran through my head after weaning and sleeping through the night for the first time in a long time: “I’m free.”

…I remember the first thought that ran through my head after weaning… :
“I’m free.”

-Tenay Benes
tenaybenes.com

Honesty Helps

I had to admit it: I hated pumping. I found it to be a miserable experience. It was affecting my mental and physical health so adversely that every meal for my baby meant torment for me. And God knew it. So God told me to let go of my expectations (and those of the world) in exchange for pursuing the mutual welfare of my baby, myself, and my poor husband who dealt with a miserable, postpartum wife for four months.

Almost a year later, I spoke to the Lord about it again because I still couldn’t understand why God would want me to wean so early. “Isn’t breastfeeding ideal for all babies? I mean, breastfeeding combines the benefits of physical connection with the protection of live antibodies with the ease of a balanced nutritional profile, all in one,” I asked. (“Also, you created it,” I thought to myself.) “Of course it’s ideal,” God replied. “But when the ideal is not available, it’s great that you have other options.”

Surprise!

“Isn’t breastfeeding ideal for all babies?…” I asked.“Of course it’s ideal,” God replied. “But when the ideal is not available, it’s great that you have other options.”

-Tenay Benes
tenaybenes.com

No Condemnation

This experience taught me that it is good to breastfeed if you can, but there’s no shame for not being able to do so. If you can’t breastfeed, there’s no shame in pumping or using donor milk. If you can’t do that, there’s no shame in formula feeding. If you can’t formula feed, there’s no shame in introducing foods early. In fact, in Christ, there’s only thankfulness that a baby or a mama who can’t breastfeed still have lots of other options to help the baby grow and care for the mama at the same time.

Ultimately, God is a God of options, and practical considerations, and love. Don’t forget love. ❤️