Dumping My Box

V2 published 23 Feb 2023 at 9pm MT

I had a pretty horrible day or two. They were the kind of days in which I felt mad at the whole world. By now, I have walked through God’s whole-making-process to recognize that it was because the Holy Spirit was shedding light on some heart-wounds that she was inviting me to heal. (Sounds so lovely when I put it that way, doesn’t it?) What it really felt like was something half-choking my heart for two days. Not fun.

An Inner Healing Walk

After praying about it myself, and then praying about it with my husband, I decided to go to the gym and go for a prayer walk on the indoor track. Walking calms my limbic system, hence any overactive emotions, and helps me hear from God more clearly. (This is probably why some churches have prayer labyrinths in their gardens.)

I invited Yeshua to meet with me during my walk. I saw him come to me in the movie-screen-of-my-mind (much like in a guided meditation) holding a legal box full of file folders. He stood in front of me, holding the box silently. I became curious. “What’s in the box?” I asked. “Some memories, judgments, and beliefs about your life,” he replied. I took the box from him and began to finger through the files. There were photos and stories of my last business, the last evangelical women’s ministry in which I participated, and the last time I took command in the Army. (Quick summary: these were all sources of great pain for me.) “There are a lot of files in here,” I said, and then, “Shall we dump them?” (Why prolong the inevitable? By now, I know the drill.) “They sure aren’t serving you well,” Yeshu replied, as he reached out to take the box back from me. He turned the box upside down, and dumped its contents into a trash can by his feet.

Becoming Like a Child

After he dumped the box, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me in-real-life (while I was still walking around the indoor track) and I began to cry as she removed the choking heaviness off of my heart. I knew she was rewiring me so that I could form new judgments, new memories, and new thoughts about my current business, current churches, and current unit. God was making me like a child in these areas, again, just like in the scriptures:

Yeshua handed the empty box back to me, but when I looked inside, I saw a little heart. “What’s this for?” I asked. “That’s for the church. Love them,” he replied.

The Light and the Darkness

Within minutes, a woman from the evangelical church women’s group I have been attending reached out to me and invited me to meet up with her in person so that we could build a relationship. Within a few hours, someone else in the same group made it clear that I was not welcome to come back to the group.

That’s how spiritual warfare goes: God has one plan, Satan has another plan, and you know you’re in the right place when they start clashing with each other. Light and darkness, both trying to affect the people God calls you to love.

Until I can see where this goes, I will focus on keeping my soul open to forming new conclusions from situations that have previously caused me pain. If one business hurt me, only another business can heal me. If one evangelical church hurt me, only another evangelical church can heal me. If one command hurt me, only another command can heal me. That’s because God does not let us lay down in defeat; in the Kingdom, only the thing that caused a wound can heal it.

I’m ready to be healed.