It’s wild to hear what comes out of my mouth sometimes, now that I have a kid! And since I’m not sleeping through the night right now (see #2, below), I figured I’d share with you five things I never said until motherhood. I hope it makes you laugh!

1. “It’s only a little bit of poo.”

Before having kids, mildly touching poo in any way (usually when cleaning up after my dog) resulted in an immediate shower and a change of clothes. But now that I have a kid, and touching poo is a multiple-times-per-day situation, my poo-tolerance has significantly increased! When I’m changing my baby and she starts kicking her feet because she wants diaper time to be play time, and some poo gets on me/her/the changing table/the wall, but I don’t want to change my clothes/her clothes/disinfect the table/disinfect the wall yet again, I wipe it down with a baby wipe and go on with my day because “it’s only a little bit of poo.”

2. “I feel great—I got almost five hours of sleep!”

Before having a kid, the magic number for my operating as a functional human being was five REM cycles AKA 7.5 hours. This was a non-negotiable and I couldn’t imagine operating under anything less. Now that I have a kid, my standards for what a good-night-of-sleep is and for what a mildly-functional-human-being is have significantly lowered. When my baby didn’t sleep through the night for eight months, and I didn’t understand how to help her sleep, and I wanted to cry all the time because of the sleep deprivation, but I was trying to count my blessings, and I realized that three REM cycles are the real number for being a mildly functional human being, I told people “I feel great—I almost got five hours of sleep!”

I now repeat this phrase anytime there is a sickness in the house or a big change in our life because my toddler’s once reliable 12-hours a night and 3-hours a day sleep rhythm goes out the window.

3. “I went to the grocery store—it was so relaxing!”

Before I had kids, going to the grocery store/dry cleaner/post office/Amazon drop-off was considered an errand AKA work AKA not restful or relaxing. Then, I started doing these things with a kid, and the not-relaxing-factor went up threefold. I didn’t realize that trying to get some task done while keeping my alive and mildly-entertained was actually a constant-state-of-multi-tasking and it was increasing my capacity to adult. After doing that for a few months straight, having the luxury of doing something by myself (and taking all the time I want to do it) feels like a relaxing massage and facial at a spa! Now, when it’s my morning off and my husband asks me what I did, I can say “I went to the grocery store by myself—it was so relaxing!”

4. “That’s not food.”

Before having a kid, I thought that a human being was born with the ability to discern what is edible and what is not. My kid has proven me wrong by sticking everything in her mouth (and keeping it in her mouth) no matter the texture, flavor, or source. I swear she’s thinking, “Hmmm, I’m sitting on a beautiful beach. Let’s stick some sand in my mouth!” and when she tastes it and hears me say, “Spit it out. That’s not food!” she decides to stick some more in her mouth because she knows that soon, I will pick her up and she will never get to taste this rare delicacy again!

5. *Repeating the same sentence fifty times a day.*

Before having a kid, I had a dog. The most I ever had to repeat myself was three or four times before my dog would understand that I wanted her to do or not do something. As soon as she obeyed, she got a treat and a rub—that was all she needed. But once I had a kid, I find myself repeating myself up to fifty times a day: “no touch”, “not in your mouth”, and “put that back” are the most common repeat-offenders. I repeat them so much that I probably say them in my sleep! 🤣

The Ultimate Combo

Imagine this totally-not-real scenario. My kid wakes up in the middle of the night because of a full diaper and yells out for me. When I open my eyes, I see her reach into the back of her diaper and try to put some poo in her mouth. I hear myself yell, “No touch!” and “Not in your mouth!” and “That’s not food!” over and over as I wipe her hands and the furniture down with a baby wipe because, “It’s just a little bit of poo,” and head back to sleep. In the morning, I get to go to the grocery store all by myself—it is so relaxing! because there is no poo, and no toddler trying to put it in her mouth, and when someone asks me how motherhood is treating me, I say, “I feel great—I got almost five hours of sleep!”

😂 😭 🤣

What are your most surreal mommy and daddy phrases?