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That Kind of Day

“I’ve finally concluded that I’m a good mother… but I wonder whether I’ll ever become a great mother…”

TenayBenes.com

Today was that kind of day: the kind of day in which I had to tell myself, “It’s only a little bit of poo”; the kind of day in which I literally gave my daughter the shirt off my back, because she had gotten poo all over her clothes right as we got to the store; the kind of day in which I was both happy to be with her again—after a four day trip away—and overwhelmed by being with her again, all at the same time.

When my agitation came to a head, my husband kicked me out of our camper by saying, “You need to get out of here. Go for a walk or go down to the river. Just do something for yourself before you come back.”

So… here I am, at the river—wearing my fabulous hat and dress, but feeling much less than fabulous—wondering if I’ll ever get used to the incessant energy and attention required by a three year old.

Photo of me sitting on a bench by a river, wondering, “Will I ever be a great mother?“

I’ve finally concluded that I’m a good mother—a mother who genuinely wants what God wants for her child—but I wonder whether I’ll ever become a great mother—a mother who has the wisdom, understanding, and patience to actually help her kid receive all that God wants for her.

I honestly don’t know, but I know I will keep trying until I figure it out or die in the process.

But first… I will breathe for 30 seconds, while I listen to the sounds of river. Join me.

Breathing deeply at the river.

2 responses to “That Kind of Day”

  1. Bianca Kilgore Avatar
    Bianca Kilgore

    Sweet friend, Just my two cents…the fact that you are reflective about being great mother means you already are doing pretty freaking amazing….be gracious with yourself as God is gracious with you. I think someone I know wrote something about us growing as mothers alongside with our child(ren) as they grow…. 😉 😉 ring a bell? (That was a great one). If I’ve learned anything as a mom (feel like every day still learning over here so you know… roll with that 😂) ….but I’ve definitely learned these big ones …
    1) God’s abundant grace fills in a lot of my weakness gaps
    2) Those weakness gaps give me a chance to be real with my kids about their imperfect mother along with an opportunity for God’s power to shine through
    3) Modeling humility and asking forgiveness from a child is a powerful lesson. I don’t have the future to show me yet how powerful that will be in their adult lives —- but I can see in their eyes that it’s heals and restores. They will need those examples for every relationship for the rest of their lives. My hope is that they will have much less baggage than I did entering parenthood but most of all that they will have humble hearts that are sensitive to God’s wisdom, correction, and guidance.

    1. Tenay Benes Avatar

      Thanks for the encouragement, Veteran Mother. I’ve already said sorry a hundred times to my kid! I have great hope that it will help her heal from what ails me.

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