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So Is the Victory

“There is no existence without pain… However, with me, you can turn that pain into victory.”

It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

Here is Hard

Here, at the cusp of a prophetic breakthrough.

Here, at the intersection of faith and foolishness.

Here, at the crest of panic and courage.

“Here” is the moment (or—God help me—a series of moments) in which I want to give up and turn around, go back home and never try to live out this supernatural life ever again.

Here, when I can’t pay my bills because God told me to spend my money on something else.

Here, when I have to pull my kid out of school because we can’t pay her tuition anymore.

Here, when all of the ways I should be receiving money have completely and unnaturally dried up for now.

“Here” feels like punishment from a mean God, not like an opportunity designed by a good Father to grow my faith, to overtake the flesh with the spirit.

“Here” feels like I’m squirming under a prophetic boot that is about to crush me.

“Here” feels like pain—intense mental and emotional pain.

The Last Time

The last time I was here, the doctors told me I was infertile but God told me I was pregnant.

The last time I was here, I held two baby showers for my unborn child on faith, before I ever beheld a positive pregnancy test. That was hard!

The last time I was here, when I finally could prove I was pregnant, my commander canceled $15,000 worth of my training because I was “no longer deserving” of the professional opportunity.

The last time I was here, I was having a panic attack a day, where I couldn’t breathe, and I was afraid my baby wouldn’t be able to breathe either.

But eventually, the last time I was here, I faced my fears of being abused by a toxic commander. I confronted her and then reported her actions to every single person who had to listen until one of them finally did something about it. An investigation was opened and my commander was found guilty of gender discrimination. I don’t know what happened to her, but I know what happened to me: I had that miraculous baby and I overcame my fear of toxic commanders.

The last I was here sucked, but I’m glad of the outcome. I wish it had been an easier battle, though.

A Vision Prayer

I recently prayed—actually it was more like “bitterly complained”—to Yeshua about these battles.

Yeshua: What is it you want?

Me: I want the pain to cease. Can’t I just enjoy my life without all of this misery for once?

Yeshua: There is no existence without pain. Whenever there are two or more bodies in the universe, they are bound to collide with each other. However, with me, you can turn that pain into victory.

Me: But. It. Hurts!

Yeshua: (Grasps me on the upper arms, face to face, and shows me the slashes on his body and face.) I know it hurts, but it’s worth it.

A Reminder

Today, as I wrestle with the fear of failure, the fear of poverty, the fear of getting in trouble when I can’t pay my bills, or the fear of rejection, I have to remind myself that fear is not from God—it’s from the enemy. The battle to overcome fear, however, is from God, and so is the victory.

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