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Growing With My Baby

“Every time a baby is born, a mother is also born.”

Written on a meme somewhere.

When my daughter was born two years ago, I expected I would start acting like the mother I was meant to be. I expected that, somehow, I would access the innate mothering abilities that had been hidden in my heart for forty years because she had finally arrived into my life and needed me. I expected these abilities to be well-formed, for the most part, because they came from a woman who had longed to be a mother for a very long time. Well, it hasn’t played out that way.

Instead, I have shown up to this mothering thing with a lot of good intentions but very little clue about how to handle the situations parenting affords. As a result, I have felt insufficient for the task at hand and I have given into the fear that I might irreparably break my child out of my ignorance. My greatest fear, in fact, has been that I would reproduce my parents’ parenting because it has been programmed into me. Fears are like little pets. The ones we feed and stroke grow strong and faithfully cling to us.

Fears are like little pets. The ones we feed and stroke grow strong and faithfully cling to us.

Tenay Benes

Fortunately, I have a God who says, “do not fear” in several places in the Bible; what’s more, I have a reborn human spirit and an in dwelling Holy Spirit that can set me free of the spirits of fear that bind and torment me. I also happen to have a friend who walks people out of fear for a living through inner healing prayer: Shelly Marks (life coach extraordinaire).

Although I know how to do inner healing prayer for myself, I was reminded that it is often more blessed to walk through trials together with the body of Christ. So I met with Shelly last week for an inner healing session over video chat and she helped me hear from God directly about this fear of failure in parenting. By the end of our session, I was set free of the tormenting spirit of fear in this area and was equipped with words the Holy Spirit had spoken to me:

  • YOU ARE WELL-LOVED BY GOD AND YOUR HUSBAND; SO YOU LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER VERY MUCH
  • YOU ARE WHO YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU TO BE TODAY AND YOU WILL GROW JUST IN TIME TO MEET HER FUTURE NEEDS
  • YOU ARE NOT LIKE YOUR MOTHER BECAUSE YOU ARE SAVED; YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SHORT-COMINGS AND GROW
  • YOU ARE ENOUGH FOR THIS TASK OF MOTHERHOOD AND THERE IS NO DEFICIENCY IN YOU

The Holy Spirit helped me see that my motherhood is born and grows right alongside my daughter’s childhood. When she is two years old, then I, as a mother, am also just two years old. Therefore, I have the freedom to grow, and learn, and make mistakes, and try again—just as my daughter does—because we are figuring this out together. (That’s why seeking and giving forgiveness in our family is so important.)

Equipped with God’s truths about my relationship with my daughter, I can focus on enjoying parenting more instead of fearing failure.

I can’t tell you how refreshed my soul feels after God’s ministry to me. The change was worth celebrating, so we did!

Thank you, Father God, for making me more whole in this area.

Heading out to dinner to celebrate us!

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