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In the Waiting

I gotta be honest: whereas the first one and a half years of my marriage felt pretty easy, the last two and a half have felt really freakin’ hard. That’s because it wasn’t until two and a half years ago that my husband and I discovered we were both chock full of resentment with one another. It turns out that for the first year and a half of our marriage, we thought we weren’t allowed to set boundaries in our relationship, so when one person said or did something that upset the other, all the other person did was stuff their upset feelings inside while outwardly acting like everything was okay. (Hint: you can only do that for so long until you run out of room and the resentment starts spewing out of your words and actions.) In essence, we were both dancing the codependent dance and we didn’t know it.

Learning how to coparent while in the midst of this codependent cycle was even more difficult than it should have been. In fact, all we could do for a very long time was act like two single parents splitting our kid’s time: “From 8-12, you’re in charge of our kid and you can decide whatever you want for her. From 12-4, I’m in charge and I can decide whatever I want.” I personally hated this, but it was the only thing that prevented us from releasing pent-up resentment at each other in the area of parenting, too.

Worth the Work

Fortunately, over the past couple of years, we have done a lot of work: both personal healing work (through therapy and inner healing prayer) as well as marriage work. As a result, we no longer feel moments of rage with one another, and we’ve gained a lot of skills (like fighting well, and connecting communication)—but the work continues.

Today, we are glad we have put in the work we have. We also feel a lot less shame and guilt about not having a perfect marriage from the get-go. In fact, where we used to temporarily stuff a frustration so that we could take care of it in the privacy of our home, we now straight-argue in public in order to quickly resolve an issue and return to connection—something we weren’t willing to do before because, “What would people think?”

Well, they may think we have a bad marriage, or they may think we have a young marriage. It doesn’t really matter what they think, it only matters what is. Only God and us know what is really going on.

Worth the Wait

Recently, we had a small marital argument on a playground that lasted a few minutes. We moved to apologies while riding the kid’s train, and after our relationship was repaired, we decided to go home to play card games during our daughter’s nap. As we were enjoying spending time together, again, God reminded me of a conversation God and I had had two years before I even met my husband:

Me: God, I’ve been on this prophetic marriage journey for almost two years, waiting to finally be married to the man you have for me. Yet, it seems like this is NEVER going to happen! Why are you making me wait soooooo long?

God: Sometimes, we can only make space in our hearts to receive something important by eagerly desiring it but not yet receiving it. In the waiting, we learn how to value that thing so that when we finally do receive it, we don’t carelessly lose it.

God was using this memory to remind me about all the prayers I had prayed to marry a man as amazing as my husband. I had eagerly desired to marry God’s best for me for 3.5 years while I waited for a miraculous marriage to happen. When Gods perfect will finally became clear, my husband and I were married three weeks later.

Worth Trying Again

I turned to my husband and said, “You know, it’s possible that had we not both walked through an incredibly long and difficult marriage prophecy in order to find each other, we would probably be divorced by now. I mean, we waited for a combined six years to be with one another. That’s hard to throw away.” My husband didn’t blink, but immediately replied, “Yeah, that’s quite possible.”

In that moment, I felt thankful for my 3.5 years of waiting. It was in the waiting that God built in my heart the perseverance needed to work through the tough parts of my marriage. And it is because of our perseverance that we will get to the kind of marriage God has promised us. Until then, we live to try and love one another a little more each day.

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